Wham! Spam! Thank You Ma'am! - An Examined Life

Posted By Imraan Vagar on Apr 17, 2015 | 1 comment

The server that hosts my website e-mail has spam filtering software that’s a little on the overzealous side! A while back I discovered that it sometimes mistakenly quarantines e-mails from people I’ve marked as safe. Whenever I would receive follow up calls after urgent messages went unanswered, I’d look in the junk folder and there they’d be – e-mails from bona fide senders in the unsavoury company of ads for “generic viagra”, stock-market tips, lottery win notices, horny singles and lots of rich people wanting to give me all their money.

So now I make it a point to always scan my junk folder before emptying it – lest I throw out the baby with the bathwater. It used to be a bit of a chore to do this every morning, but now it’s become a fun way to start the day. Why? Because some of the spam mails I receive are so ridiculous and diabolical that I actually find them entertaining. Sometimes I actually find myself laughing out loud – at a stretch! And who doesn’t want to start their day off with a good chuckle?

I thought I’d share some recent doozies – for your amusement:

From Russia With Love…

Perhaps it’s as a result of the punitive international sanctions but there sure are a lot of Russian women looking to find love in pastures new at the moment. Take Elena for instance…

Good afternoon my dear friend!

I am the beginner in the Internet also was the first attempt to find friends in the Internet. I feel slightly uncertainly. I was registered on this site and found your structure (I’m not exactly sure what my “structure” is – or what it’s doing “in the internet” – but I suppose I should be relieved that it’s been found!). It is interesting to me to learn you closer. (Aaw, bless!)

I have overlooked to speak you about myself. My name Elena and I am 26 years. I live in small city of Russia. I hope that it does not frighten you. (Not at all. Your grammar on the other hand…Yikes!)

My opinion has no value for you, but I want that you knew that I have only the good relation to you and your country. I want that you wrote to me on my personal address (Insert ‘unique’ e-mail address that reads like it was generated by getting someone to sit on a computer keyboard).

I shall hope that you write to me very soon. I shall send necessarily to you my some photos when you will write to me! And I also want to see your photos.

I sincerely wait for your letter.

Sincerely yours Elena

Unlike doubly sincere Elena, who feels “slightly uncertainly”, Natalia below is super confident. What’s more she’s ready to embrace my “masculine whims and fancies”! Now it’s not every day that you see the word “masculine” used in the same sentence as “whims” and “fancies” – so naturally I read on…

Hello Darling!!!

I am Natalia, a confident, able girl with lots of self-esteem and immense desire to find my love and soul mate? (Wait, is this a question?) I am longing for a strong and loving person, so that I can feel protected and loved in his arms and sleep peacefully placing my head on his shoulder (Nothing quite like appealing to a man’s masculinity). Do you need that loving girl whom you would like to talk to about all those things which men like and think? Well I am there to listen as I too like your boyish things, rather I feel attracted to those with much of those interesting masculine whims and fancies!!! (She won’t mind if you spend all day playing Xbox with your buddies) I am hot when you want it the most (She’s a freak in the bedroom). I am calm when I feel you like it that way (She knows her place and won’t challenge you). I am a person who can adjust towards various situations in life. (While setting the women’s lib movement back about 50 years!)

I am sure you won’t get bored. So come on join us here at this website where you will find thousands of hot and beautiful girls (like me!!!).

Yup, definitely no self-esteem issues there!

Notice how I’ve worked my way from a “dear friend” to a womaniser…

Hello Romeo!!!

Is romance still left in you? (Can you still get it up?) Do you still believe in love and romance? (Do you have the resources to make me feel “blessed”?) Do you need someone special to feel those wonderful moments of love and care in life? (I’m guessing that someone is…)

Then you are the one I am in search of, so are thousands of girls in this website where I have registered at (dodgy site URL) I love this site because they believe in love, romance and the sanctity of family life (Ah yes, the internet, that last bastion of “love, romance and the sanctity of family life”).Well, don’t you think that these values are the most missed ones in our modern day life? (Old-fashioned, family-values gal seeks love on the intertubes) I am Evgeniya from Russia and I have grown up seeing my parents sharing these above said feelings for each other all through my childhood and teenage, till now.

Her folks must be so proud!

Hello Mr. Dependable!!! (Great, now I’m a Toyota!)

I am Tanya and I am in search of my personal Mr. Dependable? Are you one? (Well, that depends…)

Well I hope that you are. Most girls are in search of one. It is very important for us girls to have someone who is there for you in any situation in life.

I am from Russia and here girls love to have someone who cares, loves and pampers you so that they feel secure and blessed.

Russian girls know to be the loved ones, we understand men to the core (Well you certainly write like one. A sexist, chauvinist one) and we love make a man feel satisfied in every aspect of family life.

If you long to find one among us or maybe you want to find me itself, join this site where I have registered myself in search of my Mr. Dependable. (What, no knight in shiny Bentley? Talk about a low bar…)