Posted By Imraan Vagar on Feb 14, 2013 | 4 comments

There are so many different kinds of love. There’s the love we share with members of our family (even if we don’t always approve of them). There’s the love we reserve for our close friends. Our pets. Special objects and heirlooms. Our jobs or careers (if you’re one of the fortunate few who actually enjoy the work they do). We derive pleasure from our hobbies and interests – and they too can become great passions. And though we might lose sight of it sometimes, there’s the love for life itself.

And then there’s romantic love: arguably the most complex one of them all!

Romantic love takes myriad forms. As do the relationships they inspire…

Some love single-mindedly; some obsessively; some love more casually, keeping an eye on the horizon for something or someone better; some are dreamy idealists in love with the idea of being in love, who cast the first or next available person that comes along in the role of their beloved; some love narcissistically, notching up lovers like conquests, objects or trophies; some profess to want love but are so deeply afraid of commitment, rejection or getting hurt that they never allow themselves to fully surrender to the emotion.

Their reluctance is understandable. Anyone who’s ever experienced it knows that falling in love renders you vulnerable, exposed and well, a little out of control.

But an old friend and mentor shared something really profound with me once. I was a very green 17-year old at the time but his words took root – and many years (and more than a few break-ups) later I came to really appreciate what he meant when he said…

“If you love someone, it’s not their fault.”

I’m no expert on matters of the heart, but I have loved deeply and on numerous occasions in my lifetime – and here’s what I’ve come to understand and humbly acknowledge…

If you love someone, it’s your choice to do so. It’s your responsibility. If they love you back, that’s wonderful. But you can’t expect them to. Or presume that they always will. Just because you love them it doesn’t mean that they’re beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything in return. Loving someone is the gift in itself. It is, by true definition, meant to be given unconditionally. There’s no promise or guarantee that your affections will be rewarded. Your love may be blissfully reciprocated or painfully unrequited – but whatever the outcome, you alone are responsible for the way you feel about the object of your affection.

You may struggle with this, but here’s my personal love ‘manifesto’:

I love you, but I don’t own you. We may share a sense of belonging, but you don’t belong to me. And while I would never take you or your love for granted, it’s quite possible that some time in the future you may change your mind about me and about us, for whatever reason or reasons. I would prefer to be the first to know about it, especially if I have disappointed you in some way. All I ask is that you give me an explanation. And if I can’t make amends or if your heart and mind are already made up, I won’t stand in your way. I love you, you see – and that means that your happiness is of great importance to me. And if I’m the cause of your unhappiness, then that is unacceptable to me and I will set you free – even if it’s into the arms of someone else – with my blessings and gratitude…

But most of all, I wish you love.